I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
