ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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