it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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