just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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