no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
