I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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