No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
