I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
