so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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