last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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