either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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