we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
