He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
