why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
