This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
