A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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