i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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