Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
