im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
