There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
