there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
