I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
