She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
