Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
barbara walters just said penis...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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