i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
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He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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