Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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