totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
