WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
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Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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