Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
