You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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