oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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