just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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