3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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