That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
