I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
