He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
