I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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