My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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