I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
