i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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