I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
