I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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