The maid of honor just puked.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
