Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
