picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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