New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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