Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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