and next time when you feel me up, do it right
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
