Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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