five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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