I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the condom got lost in my hair
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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