bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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