she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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