I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
