This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
