either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.