My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.