I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles