I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
