he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
