If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
